I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
