I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
