is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
