So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
