I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
