my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
