all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
