smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
