just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
