How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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