it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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