pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He? As in you personified your dick?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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