I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
