I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We're too hungover to prance.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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