I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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