Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
it's like iHOP with fire
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
