did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize