if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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