the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
