My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
