my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
