there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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