we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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