No stitches, just platelets and will power
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
