i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I want to be your penis for a week.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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