i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
