That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
