News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
love makes seman taste better
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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