Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
