I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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