i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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