I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
