The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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