u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
