how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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