I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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