I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
