this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
