Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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