i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
