We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
