filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
