this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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