I hate your face
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
