I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
