I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
where are my eyebrows?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize