i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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