if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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