she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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