I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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