wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
