Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
