I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
They took my balls.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
