I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
