I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
