It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
