Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
