Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize