The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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